They're outrageous! Downright scandalous, even! But what I'm about to show you are actual, honest-to-goodness images of noted video game characters flaunting their nudity like the disturbed and perverted sickos that they are! So have the kids leave the room for a while, and get ready for some righteous indignation when you take a gander at these disturbing snapshots!|
Let's start with...
Downright sickening, isn't it?
But it wasn't bad enough that Sonic was cavorting around in the buff...
Holy crap, Tails, Pedobear's heading this way!
...he also went and indoctrinated an innocent child into his twisted, loop-de-loopy world of pants-free hijinks. Well, at least the lady folk of the Sonicverse have some sense of modesty. Although I do find Amy's enabling of her crush's pathetic fetish rather abhorrent.
But there ain't no modesty whatsoever when it comes to this reptilian monstrosity:
Please tell me you're not "getting happy" to this pic.
He's platformed his way through three different continuities over the last decade or so, with nary a stitch of fabric to be found on his person in any of them. Even more disgusting is the fact that the latest Spyro series is a big hit with the young'uns-- just as those demonic minions of Satan over at ActiVision had planned-- making Video Game Jesus weep tears of blood.
I live only to carry out your every whim, Lord Spyro.
If you're a parent who's letting your kids play Skylanders, you'd do well to turn yourself in to child protective services right now, and throw yourself upon the mercy of the family court. But before you do, please send all of your child's Skylanders figures to me-- especially the "Dragon's Keep" adventure pack and the Toys 'R' Us-exclusive legendary 3-pac-- and I'll dispose of them in a discreet and environmentally responsible manner. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now, the worst offender of them all: POKEMON!
Rule 34 will commence in 4... 3... 2...
Get a load of this:
It's so ugly, it oughtta be wearing a freakin' burka.
Then there's this:
Quite frankly, I don't care if he looks like he's wearing clothes. Dressed or not, Mr. Mime is a horrid crime of nature that needs to be exterminated with extreme prejudice, for the greater good of all mankind.
Finally, dare you cast your gaze upon--
--d'awwwww, isn't it the most adorable thing you've ever seen? How can you get angry at that disarming smile? You can't, that's how! Who's my little deerling? Huh? Who's my bestest friend in the whole wide world? That's right, you are! Now go play with the other wholesome and innocent Pokemon critters, you silly thing. Say hi to Mr. Mime for me, willya?
Speaking of Pokemon: although I 've plenty of reasons to despise the whole "pocket-monster" phenomenon, a Cracked.com featurette gave me one more appallingly disturbing reason:
That's not what you kids are calling the clitoris, is it?
Sheesh... that little whack-job has three fully functional GBA SPs, and I'm still stuck with a glorified paperweight:
Oh God, I think I'm gonna be sick...
I gotta find out where that kid lives, break in, gank one of his GBAs-- no wait, all three of 'em-- keep one for myself, and find a nice home for the other two.
Homes where they'll be treated with the dignity and respect they deserve.
Homes where they'll never be forced to endlessly run that g0dd@mned Pokemon cr@p, ever again.
Homes where they'll never get screamed at by an adolescent lunatic.
If you'd like to join me on this most merciful rescue mission, please drop me a line and we'll hammer out a plan. I'll throw ya one of the GBAs and his silver edition TI-84 calculator as payment.
Come on, you know it's the right thing to do. Who's with me on this?
'Course, it'd be a good idea to pick up a few supplies for the mission. Looks like a trip to T.M. Leon's Boom-Stick, Firewater and Vuvuzela Emporium is in order.
Now where did my rewards card go off to?
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