The 'Norch PorchThe 'Norch Porch

Posted on Apr 1st 2014 at 06:00:00 AM by (Zagnorch)
Posted under Andrew Dice Clay, mario, samus, sega, halo, comedy, chun li

And now for your April Fools punishment entertainment, give it up for hardcore comedian/gamer extraordinaire, Andrew "Dragon Dice" Clay!

You're into Pole Position, huh? Well, how about you position yourself on THIS pole! OH!!! Yeah, position yourself right over THIS friggin' pole! OH!!!

Hey, Princess Peach! You want a REAL plumber, you should call on me! I'll snake out your pipes for ya! I'll even pump your septic tank, if ya know what I'm sayin'! OH!!! Just grab hold of my analog stick and I'll barrel-roll your arwing ALL NIGHT LONG! OH!!! I got the mega-mushroom you've been longing for!

Into Tetris, are you? Well, I got the long block you need right here! OH!!! I'll drop it down right into your gap!!! Yeah!

Man, I'd love to break Chun-Li's combo with my hadouken! OH!!!

Hey Samus, I got a ball or two you can morph on! Yeah! I'll give you a screw attack that'll have you walking funny for a whole week! OH!!!

Why don'cha cast a shadow on this colossus! OH!!! Yeah!

Yo Kirby! I got something for you to suck down! OH!!!

Hey Ms. Pac-Man! I got a banana and some cherries for you! OH!!! I gave 'em names, even: Inky, Blinky, and Clyde! And they'd just love to meet your "Pinky," if ya know what I'm sayin'! OH!!!

Yo, Zelda, I got a Link for ya right here! Yeah, I'll link you to your past, present, AND future with my Master Sword while you work my hookshot! OH!!!

Why don't all you Sega fanboys do what Nintenwon't, and use your lock-on technology to blast-process my master system! OH!!!

Hey Master Chief, why don'cha reach for this Halo! OH!!! Make a covenant with this freakin' Halo! Yeah!

Hey, why--

--ahhhh, screw it, I can't do this crap anymore. This is easily the stupidest blog I've ever posted on this site-- which, if you've seen my other blogs, is REALLY saying something. I easily lost 25 IQ points just coming up with all those gawdawful jokes. It's said that artists have to suffer for their art, but this is downright ludicrous. Looks like I'm the real April fool here.

Anyway, thank you for your time, and enjoy the rest of your day.

Until next time,


Errrr, I mean...


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The Dice Man Cometh
I'm a fan.
And now, a snippet of bonus content from the Director's Edition cut:

- Hey, Taito! Invade THIS space! OH!!!
While this is nothing really too far off the beaten path for Dice, I have to say that he is at least gotten more creative from the last time I heard him (1993).

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