The 'Norch PorchThe 'Norch Porch

Posted on Apr 1st 2016 at 12:00:00 AM by (Zagnorch)
Posted under Trump, Donald, 2016, election, pokemon, skylanders, wavebird, canada


The_8-Bit_Donald's 8-Point Plan to Make

GREAT Again!

Good morning, fellow RF Gentlemen! Thank you for attending my rally on this beautiful April day. I hope we'll have many more days like this ahead. There's no greater collecting site for video game enthusiasts anywhere on the internets, really! It's true! It really is. But there have been many signs of a decline in the last few years, which is why I'm campaigning to become this fine institution's illustrious leader. You see, I have a YUUUUGE plan, a GREAT plan-- really, it's great, it really is-- to put RF Generation back on the top of the vidya heap!  I have eight points that I will pursue when I claim my rightful fuhrerdom leadership:

1.)   Make RF Generation subscription-based with banner ads. It's about time this place earned its keep. Time to bring in the fat lootz... or, failing that, bankruptcy protection for me. And I have just the guy to keep track of the site's finances! He's a real go-getter, with a level of greed second only to mine:

He's the biggest Nixon fan... literally.

Now if only I could get him to lay off the garlic. I mean, he's a great guy!  Really! A great guy! But... that breath could make a vulture nauseous. It's true! It's true...

2.)   Build a YUUUUGE firewall across the Canadian border... and make CrabMaster 2000, EngineerMike, and Fleach pay for it. It's time to take a stand against our northern neighbors stealing all our bandwidth, and not providing anything in return. Let's face it, they're just a big bunch of beady-eyed, flappy-headed flatulence enthusiasts, amirite? You know  it, I know it. I mean, some of them are probably all right. SOME!  Like Captain Kirk, Dave Foley, and Neil Peart. And I gotta admit, Rob Ford was pretty entertaining, God rest his soul. But overall, they're pretty low-energy; just can't hack it for the long haul, you know? Take CrabMaster2000, for example: do you ever hear him on that podcast he cofounded anymore? I rest my case.

3.)   Speaking of cases: If elected to RF Generation's highest office, I'll definitely open one on Crabby's cohosts Duke.Togo and WildBil52. I'll get 'em on sedition and espionage charges. Especially WildBil52, seeing as how he's into hockey and all, that Canuck-coddling filth. We'll finally see what classified secrets they're sending to the Great White 'Norch-- er, North. Probably operating an illegal Miracle Piano foot-pedal-smuggling ring or something.

4)   Anyone caught painting, redecorating, or otherwise defacing GameCube Wavebird controllers, along with their collaborators, will be subject to summary execution by watching YouTube Let's-Play videos of Bubsy 3D and Superman 64 on a non-stop loop until death sets in. Let's get real: people who don't have the decency to leave Wavebird controllers as they are-- as they were meant to be-- are DISGUSTING, and have to be removed from polite society. You know it's true, and I know it's true. So what's the big deal?

Soon, you sicko... very soon... you'll get what's coming to you.

5)   Remember that big chunky XBox controller that everybody liked to gripe about back in the day? Well, I'm gonna make it the only controller allowed for the XBox... and the PS2... and the GameCube. You know what, screw it-- it's the mandatory controller  for all consoles, even if they're not compatible. Who has the small hands now, huh? WHO HAS THE SMALL HANDS NOW, @$$HOLES?! EAT ME!!!

Better get your practice in before The_8-Bit_Donald comes to power.

6)   All Pokemon games will be outlawed, and all Pokemon players placed in special rehabilitation facilities where they'll be harshly coerced and threatened with physical harm gently encouraged to play Skylanders instead. If you're gonna play a gateway drug to furrydom, it's gonna be an manufactured in China, just like my neckties AMERICAN gateway drug to furrydom, dammit!

This is NOT the world The_8-Bit_Donald wants to live in!

7)   Anyone who complains about the load times of digital-disc console games will be sentenced to 6 months of playing nothing but Commodore 64 datasette tape-drive games. That'll show those whiny little b@st@rds what REALLY long load times are.

You'll be seeing this screen in your sleep for years afterward.

8.)   And my last point to make RF Generation great again: replace Silent Service as the official "greatest game" of RF Generation with...

Yeah, 8-Bit_Melania... roll those dice like you mean it, baby... mmmm...

'Cuz, let's face it, Silent Service is for losers! It's true! It's-- whoa, where did all those torches and pitchforks come from? Hey wait, let's talk this over, no need to-- The_8-Bit_Donald was just kidding, really-- OH DEAR GOD PLEASE, NOT THE HAIR!!!

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Point 7: For the constant moaners then you must keep trying to load Golden Axe with my old Datasette for the C64 with no chance of ever playing the game.

Let's also stop this talk of those obscure and rare consoles from Nintendo and Sega like the NES and Genesis and talk about the two greatest consoles from Blighty. The C64GS from Commodore and the GX4000 from Amstrad.

Come the revolution I will be first against the wall.
Seems legit.

Thanks for a good read!
This all seems fine to me.

I'm in.
My worst nightmare come true. Where is 8-bit Bernie when you need him???
heh I read the whole thing in Trumps voice.
Donald Trump is the latest Sacha Baron Cohen character isn't he? You Americans arent really voting for him are you???
We can't keep letting the flea market 1% continue to make the hobby of collecting classic games difficult for the young people. We need to educate them on what games actually cost!
This was fun to read, and funny.
Thank you for all your support! Well, except for the Canadians of course. You now what you did! You know! ANYway, The_8-Bit_Donald has put up his official "Make RF Generation GREAT Again!" thread, which can be found here:

All Non-Canadians are welcome. Even FatherJack... even though I'm not big on a non-Yank/Reb owning RF Gen's all-time submissions record. Did we really need to outsource submissions that badly? But at least he's big on the Commodore 64, rather than that low-energy ZX Spectrum I understand was big over there back in the day. It's great! It's great, it really is... but obviously not as great as the C64...
@bickman2k: I'm feeling the Bern. Go get 'em!
Where can I buy a MARFGA hat?
@Duke.Togo: "Feeling the Bern," huh? More like feeling the pressure of my inquisition--errr,  investigation of you! Let's see you get your precious foot-pedal in federal prison, traitor!

@SirPsycho: The_8-Bit_Donald is in YUUUUGE talks with Cafe Press about adding this great product--it's amazing, it really is-- to the RF Generation store.
Well done, Zag. Thanks for the laugh.
@MaterialHandlerMike: Nice attempt to kiss up to your betters by collecting G.I. Joes... but you're not fooling me, you fake American zero! You'd better sell off your entire toy collection right now so you won't have to go dumpster-diving later! That firewall ain't gonna be cheap, you know!

Hey, tell you what: I'll be YUUUUGELY lenient on you if you send your TransFormers collection to me. Okay? Now get packing!
All you guys are laughing now, but tomorrow when you realize this wasn't a joke when you wake up to Geo Metro-sized Xbox controllers plugged into your Wii U.  I'll be laughing, but then again I'll be making mac and cheese with hotdogs in it while I wait for Ultima V to load on my C64 datasette.
@bombatomba: Spoken like a true patriot! It's true! You're just the kind of high-energy go-getter this campaign needs! I'd be proud to have you climb onto The_8-Bit_Donald bandwagon. I might even have a spot in my cabinet for you, or even make you chancellor of The_8-Bit_Donald University! Well, actually I can't legally call it a university anymore. Okay, never mind... YOU'RE FIRED!

ProTip: If you wanna make that mac-cheese-and-weenies dish really pop, just add ketchup. It's great! It really is. Not as great as those The_8-Bit_Donald steaks I peddled a few years back, but close! Very close...
I'm afraid I already got hooked on the Gateway Drug to Furrydom... And it went ALL the way.

@The_8-Bit_Donald, I'll let you see my favorite Furry drawings of Lucario out back in the alley later.
I laughed.
And then cried. And cried. And cried.
Er, anyway, well done. Wink
@leej07: Definitely gonna open a case on you, you demented weirdo. On the upside: at least you're not offering to show me Rule 34 pics of Riolu. PokePorn is disgusting enough, but kiddie-PokePorn is CRIMINALLY disgusting!

@slackur: Wow, that's a lot of crying. I think it might be 'cuz you're low-energy. Your user name pretty much says it all. It's true!

BTW an addendum to Rule #4: before the execution, the condemned will be forced to watch his/her Mario/Peach-themed Scion get demolished bare-handed (and -footed) by the Street Fighter character of the arresting officer's choice.
Well, thank Eon that's over for another year! Now I can go back to being my jolly old self again. I don't think I could stand another minute portraying that obnoxious creep... or Donald Trump for that matter. What a horrible, soul-shriveling experience. Big thanks to everybody all around; I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted.

Until next year...

I knew it wasn't the real 8-Bit Donald all the time.  The real Donald would have talked about the Coleco Chameleon.  Not hatin', just sayin'.
Oh my.  That's about all I can say.  It was amusing.

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