The 'Norch PorchThe 'Norch Porch
    

Posted on Apr 1st 2014 at 06:00:00 AM by (Zagnorch)
Posted under Andrew Dice Clay, mario, samus, sega, halo, comedy, chun li

And now for your April Fools punishment entertainment, give it up for hardcore comedian/gamer extraordinaire, Andrew "Dragon Dice" Clay!



You're into Pole Position, huh? Well, how about you position yourself on THIS pole! OH!!! Yeah, position yourself right over THIS friggin' pole! OH!!!

Hey, Princess Peach! You want a REAL plumber, you should call on me! I'll snake out your pipes for ya! I'll even pump your septic tank, if ya know what I'm sayin'! OH!!! Just grab hold of my analog stick and I'll barrel-roll your arwing ALL NIGHT LONG! OH!!! I got the mega-mushroom you've been longing for!

Into Tetris, are you? Well, I got the long block you need right here! OH!!! I'll drop it down right into your gap!!! Yeah!


Man, I'd love to break Chun-Li's combo with my hadouken! OH!!!

Hey Samus, I got a ball or two you can morph on! Yeah! I'll give you a screw attack that'll have you walking funny for a whole week! OH!!!


Why don'cha cast a shadow on this colossus! OH!!! Yeah!

Yo Kirby! I got something for you to suck down! OH!!!

Hey Ms. Pac-Man! I got a banana and some cherries for you! OH!!! I gave 'em names, even: Inky, Blinky, and Clyde! And they'd just love to meet your "Pinky," if ya know what I'm sayin'! OH!!!


Yo, Zelda, I got a Link for ya right here! Yeah, I'll link you to your past, present, AND future with my Master Sword while you work my hookshot! OH!!!

Why don't all you Sega fanboys do what Nintenwon't, and use your lock-on technology to blast-process my master system! OH!!!

Hey Master Chief, why don'cha reach for this Halo! OH!!! Make a covenant with this freakin' Halo! Yeah!


Hey, why--

--ahhhh, screw it, I can't do this crap anymore. This is easily the stupidest blog I've ever posted on this site-- which, if you've seen my other blogs, is REALLY saying something. I easily lost 25 IQ points just coming up with all those gawdawful jokes. It's said that artists have to suffer for their art, but this is downright ludicrous. Looks like I'm the real April fool here.

Anyway, thank you for your time, and enjoy the rest of your day.



Until next time,

OHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


Errrr, I mean...


...'Late



Posted on Nov 9th 2013 at 09:56:23 PM by (Zagnorch)
Posted under Shadow the Hedgehog, Sonic, Sega, Halloween, Drunk, Emo, PS2

DISCLAIMER: The following presentation has content that may be offensive to some... and a turn-on to others.


you have been duly warned.



PREFACE: hey now, fellow RF Gentlemen. The following presentation is the second of what I plan to be an annual Halloween series (view the first one at http://www.rfgeneration.c...Giants-and-Booze-2318.php ). Before you dive in, however, I would like to apologize for posting it so late. Between work, editing my drunken ramblings into something remotely coherent, thrift runs, and-- well, you'll find out in the postscript-- I wasn't able to put this out in as timely a fashion as I'd have liked. I only ask that you forgive my blatant tardiness as

The 'Norch Porch Presents

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: BEYOND A SHADOW OF SOBRIETY

Hey now...

Well, it's that time of year again. Just me in my humble domicile, all by my lonesome, with a big bag of Skittles and Starburst that'll never see the inside of a trick-or-treater's goody bag, a few choice libations, some Detroit-based snacks, and a certain game to (hopefully) enjoy as my BAC increases throughout the night. This time 'round, I've decided to go with a fellow who'd fit right in with the whole Halloween scene. He's got the whole goth/emo thing down pat, from the black color scheme (with red trim), to his bleak and tragic half-remembered past. The furry fanboys adore him for his stoic, grim-and-gritty demeanor. The fangirls just can't stop writing really creepy ship-fics about him. And, after seeing him in action in this game, the NRA is still trying to get him to be their next chairman.

Of course, I'm referring to...





Oh, for--NOT THAT SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG! Dammit, I thought I burned every last copy of that picture! CURSE YOU, INTERNET!


You're freakin'-a  right I'm mad! And I'm NOT your bro!!!


Nope, I'm talking about THIS Shadow the Hedgehog:



I could go into exhaustive detail about how the opening teaser alone represents all that is wrong and just plain absurd about this game, but that territory has been trod upon so much over the last eight years that it's rather hackish to discuss it any further. Besides, my nerdball musings on the matter will cut into my fitshaced playing time. Which reminds me: for this foray into one amnesiac, emotionally unstable hedgehog's fight for his Second Amendment rights...




HEY! Get your own damn firearms, d!ckweed!


...I've decided to go with absinthe, which is the preferred drink of the goth/emo crowd, according to the internet. And if nothing else, the internet is the ultimate bastion of truth and accuracy.

]
...what?


Ummm... I also grabbed a six-pack of Redd's Apple Ale. Why this particular pick-up, you ask?



Oh... no particular reason at all, nopey nope nope.

Also on hand, courtesy of my main man Razor Knuckles: Reese's Pieces and Better Made BBQ flavor potato chips. Oh, and Faygo cream cola and strawberry soda, which has inspired me to take a listen to my fave ICP album while playing this bad boy.


WHO'S GOIN' CHICKEN HUNTIN'? WE'S GOIN' CHICKEN HUNTIN'!


And, bless his little heart, Raze also provided the game. Which means I have the perfect scapegoat to place the blame on should this not go well. If that isn't the mark of a true friend, then I don't know what is.


If only you knew what you were getting yourself into, my good man.


Oh, and I decided to get in costume for this little electronic excursion:


How's this for edgy?


All right, let's get this show on the road.


STAGE 1: Westopolis

I started by taking out just about anything that shot at me, and then decided to limit my kills to the alien freakos, and the GUN robots. The aliens have the cooler weaponry, anyway, with zap-zap-shooty-lazor-beams. Not as cool as, say, a nice chaos-spear energy blast from my hands, but hey, you gotta make do. And why is Sonic "helping" me out? Who does he think he is, Tails from Sonic 2?


More like Sonic the Glory-hog.


Stage 2: Glyphic Canyon

Oh great, now I got Knuckles helping out now. So much for that rugged loner rep. And he's a bit toofriendly here, too . and even dopier than usual.man, I miss the days when he was trolling Sonic and Tails something fierce. Now hes just a comic-relief punching bag in the cutscene backgrounds. Well at least his voice is more pleassnt than that Dr. Claw-sounding dude.

Geezus, the controls are like, Im trying to get Shadow to move and aim at the right taraget, but its like the surface of every level is greased with Crisco... and Shadows coping with a brain injury. Hell, I must be coping with a brain injury to be playing this. Maybe you should dump the jet skate things and just run like that faker. With any luck I'll get hosed to the point of blacking out and not remembering any of this.


Stage 3: Prison Island

Charmy, just goway . Your anything but charming to... well to anyone really. nobody likes you.. Go have a duel to the death with omochao or something. Hopefully youll kill each other and Big the Cat gets offed in the crossfire. I know the Chaotix had to make some budget cuts, but why did Mighty have to be one of them?

Ooh here comes my fave ICP track gotta turn it UP


Hey, hey wait a minute, I made you! Get them not me--WAIT A MINUTE MUTHAF*CKA


Stage 4: Sky Troops

Okay, now I got eggbotnik helping out. Well at least it gives me his robots and ships to shoot at. And I gt to use a canon to shoot at the eggships. Just like skylanders niiiiice. BTW I found a way to make this game a lil more enoyble: imagine the guys im shootin at wrote some really pervy Shadow fanfics, or poretend theyre Rule 34 artists, and Im getting revenge on em by KILLIN THEM DEDD.


Let me show my appreciation for your inflation art
of me by INFLATING YOU WITH LEAD!!!


STAGE 5: Don't know dont care

Wow this games growin onme for some reason. Im achuallygettin into it. Hold on, Gonna pause th game for a mome an give our hero a lil talkin to. Um, Hey... hey shadow? I knw youre fictional an stuff, but Im surprised you haven't put th moves on Rouge yet. I mean come on it'sno secret you really dig her.


Or certain parts of her, anyway.

Seriusly ou really goota let maria go man. Your relationship comes off less like a close friendship, and more like some creepy furry-pedo-necrophilia thning.


An ode to Shadow's depraved obsession.


It really gives me the dooch chils. I mean You don't see Sonic-- er I mean that faker caught up in such shenangians--



Oh. Riht never mind.

Look, all Im tryin to say is... HEY F*CK THE STUPID GAME! IM TRYIN TO HELPS OU HERE, @$$HOLE!

...

Lokk im sorry man, I didn mean to yll atcha. You... you know... you know is till love you right? Right? Yeah yeah, no homo, hee heeee... hey wait a minute



Um, why are you staring... there? An grining?




Holy crap youre not gonna do what I think you're



Tails gives a new meaning to
the term "getting some head."


OH MY FREAING GOD IM GONNA SPEW FFWOIDHWERFOERDPWEBDEHGBIPEHOPFREOIHDIFIEU[9AWE

*GASP* Oh god the taste and smell of half-digested reeses pieces mixed wih absinthe is so disgusting here comes a second wave fjrefroiffoitgbhrog;flhlfofohhf[ioja[sehgde

*GUUUUHH* sweet haysoose h. some of that last heave went out through my nose that's just gross oh no not agai--  fmfrfmlrefmerlfmre-wq329r43jroinefrefmrlfrlf

*UUUURGH*GASP* okay im good now... all emptied out. Gonna need some gatorade though, and

Wait whats this




OH JESUS FU-- MDTMNFWKJLEVNBFLDHN NHXICU HTDFOIDFCJ GIG LNFAHD VIUF HFO SIFGHRIS;O FHD FOUGOUSCHFCMKLVDHGMSCOFHVDMFCDJACNIVOGHROIOCFSHDVG OR HCFSVGHRSEOICFHGCSECFRVDFHCEAOFG RHVOCFE NSAMOIVGRI

*THUD*


POSTSCRIPT:  In case you're wondering: no, I did not regain consciousness in a puddle of my own sick the next morning. I took the precaution of keeping a high-capacity wastebasket within reach. It's a lesson I learned the hard way. Speaking of learning the hard way:



Passed out after just one Redd's?! Faker...


ANYway, a few days after playing Shadow the Hedgehog on an Allhallow's Eve bender, I decided to go at it sober. And I don't know what it was, but... I actually kinda liked playing this nonsensical game with the absurd missions, slippery controls, and annoying interchanging "sidekicks." Hell, I'm STILL playing it as of this writing, trying to unlock and complete every mission, beat every boss, and access every single good stage, evil stage, ring, key, damned fourth chaos emerald, computer room, and weapon! I even ordered the Prima strategy guide for goodness sakes! Meanwhile, I've hardly touched my new copy of Sonic Lost World. Good lord, what the hell is wrong with me?!


Oh, where to begin...


All right, time to wind this up. Yes, Shadow the Hedgehog is dumb... but it's dumb in a way I find oddly entertaining and compelling. If I were to give it a cinematic parallel, it would be Dude, Where's My Car? which, despite being downright idiotic, I couldn't stop watching from start to finish. Sure it insulted my intelligence, but, dammit, it was fun to watch.  And when you get down to it, the most important thing about gaming, or watching movies, or any other hobby or pursuit, is to have fun while doing it. Shockingly and improbably, Shadow the Hedgehog delivered for me...

...and it's all Razor Knuckles' fault.

I hope you're proud of yourself, "friend." Angry



'Late




Posted on Jun 28th 2012 at 08:04:40 AM by (Zagnorch)
Posted under Tuesday, Sega, PSP, PS2, May, Nintendo Power, thrift store

Hey now!

Yikes... I've been working on this off and on for almost a month now. What can I say: the demands of work and other high-priority things kinda slow down the whole blog-writing process.

In any case, I'll now reveal to you my Tuesday finds from May, which was fairly weak right up to the final Tuesday... and then the floodgates opened somethin' fierce.


May 1: I hit a couple places after work and came away with:

-   Super NES console $5.00

-   Namco Museum 50th Anniversary (Greatest Hits) PS2 $2.99

-   Super Mario Ball (AKA Japanese Mario Pinball Land) $1.99

-   Super Donkey Kong 2 (AKA Japanese Donkey Kong Country 2) $1.99


Weird thing about the Japanese GBA games: I bought 'em at a place that usually premium-prices imports and rare second-hand games. I was so sure they'd be priced above what I'd be willing to pay, I almost didn't bother to ask the clerk to pull 'em outta the display case. For the first time in a blue moon, going against my better instincts actually paid off...


May 8: I found no games or hardware, just a lotta reading material.

-   Fourteen Nintendo Power, GamePro, and EGM back issues, $0.29 each

-   Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 strategy guide, $1.99



May 15:

-   TMNT: Mutant Melee (Xbox) $3.19

-   Nintendo 64 12-cartridge cabinet $2.60


I'm actually using the N64 cabinet to store my loose SNES carts in; apparently they were designed to hold either type.


May 22:

-   Official PlayStation Magazine back issue $0.29

-   Prima Conker: Live & Reloaded strategy guide $2.00

-   BradyGames GTA:  San Andreas strategy guide $2.00



May 29: Now, THIS is more like it:

-      Four Nintendo Power back issues $0.29 each

-      Six Official Xbox Magazine game demo discs with sleeves, $1.99 $0.99 each

-      Joytron Strap Touchpen for DS, $0.79

-      Pokemon Battle Revolution Nintendo Power strategy guide $1.50



-      Populous  (SNES) $1.99

-      Namco Museum Remix (Wii) $5.95

-      Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness (GC) $0.95

-      Guitar Hero (PS2) $3.99 $0.99

-      Guitar Hero II (PS2) $3.99 $0.99

-      A trio of CIB Master System games for $2.99 $2.09 each:
       -   Choplifter
       -   Alien Syndrome
       -   Missile Defense 3D


-      A pair of CIB PSP games for $1.95 each:
       -   Crush
       -   Crisis Core: Final Fantasy




The biggest pick-up of the day, however, was:

- Blaze Twin Shock Home Arcade 2-player controller for PlayStation (and PS2), $11.99.



Finally, then there was this $1.99 grab:


(Don't tell You-Know-Who about this one)



The TL;DR Sidebar

May's biggest non-gaming Tuesday score: I found a boxed Nerf Vortex Praxis disc-shooter for just $5.99.


Like this, only the box wasn't in as good a condition.

I'm pretty sure someone messed up on the pricing at the Goodwill where I picked this up. Now, that is some crack-smoking pricing I can actually get behind! Speaking of which...


May's biggest crack-smoking moment almost went to the Gilroy Goodwill, which was asking $19.99 for a standard-ish GameCube controller. That's right, just the controller; I asked about it, and they confirmed it.
 
But the Morgan Hill Goodwill claimed victory when I discovered a sealed pack of three Game Boy Advance 3-cartridge cases like these...


...for $19.99.

Yes, you read that price correctly.

$19.90-freakin'-9.

For plain ol' plastic cases.

Without any games in 'em.

Needless to say, they're really hittin' the pipe down in Morgan Hill...


'Late



Posted on May 3rd 2012 at 06:37:49 PM by (Zagnorch)
Posted under Tuesdays, Sega, Genesis, Skylanders, Kid Icarus

Hey now, everybody!

Sorry it took me so long to get to the second installment. Sadly, the last several Tuesday hauls haven't amounted to-- well, I'll let the late motivational speaker Matt Foley say it (at the 9-second mark):



God, I miss Chris Farley...

...but not nearly as much as David Spade's career does.

But I digress. Things really turned around for me on the first three Tuesdays of April:


April 3rd



-   InterAct 5-input AV selector switch box,  $3.99

CIB (unless noted otherwise) Sega Genesis games for $2.10 each:
-   Crue Ball
-   Rings of Power
-   McDonald's Treasure Land Adventure
-   Shadow of the Beast II
-   Haunting, Starring Poulterguy
-   King's Bounty: The Conqueror's Quest
(no manual)
-   Buck Rogers: Countdown to Doomsday

Rounding out the day's retro haul were the following loose carts for $1.99 each:
-   Spy Hunter (NES)
-   Super Mario Kart (SNES)
-   Donkey Kong Country 2 (SNES)
-   The Adventures of Might Max (SGen) (I only bought this one 'cuz I dug the label art)
-   Pac-Attack (Game Gear)
-   Pinball Dreams (Game Gear)
-   Super Mario Land 2 (Game Boy)
-   Wario Land: SML 3 (Game Boy)
-   Pokemon Blue (Game Boy)

I also grabbed a copy of the Prima strategy guide for Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic...

...only to discover I already had a copy in my collection. (I definitely hafta look into this smart-phone-app thing so I can keep track of what I have)

Finally, there was the brandy-new triple-pack of Skylanders figures. I'm kinda ashamed to admit it, but... I'm really diggin' that silly game. I finally get the whole "Gotta catch 'em all!" philosophy of Pokemon, 'cuz I gotta have all of the Skylanders figures and adventure packs. And I'm almost there...


April 10th



-   Pelican Arcade Fighter Fully Analog Joystick for PS2, $3.99
-   Prince of Persia: Revelations (PSP), $1.95
-   Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories (Greatest hits)(PSP),  $1.95
-   $4.99 grab bag with a CIB copy of BrainAge for the DS, Sonic 2 and Sonic Chaos Game Gear carts, and Super Mario Land 2 Game Boy cart

The local Salvation Army had 3-cart bundles of N64 games for $7.99 a bundle, and I picked out three of interest, which included:
-   Super Mario 64
-   Mario Kart 64
-   WWE WrestleMania 2000
-   Madden 2001
-   Super Smash Bros
-   Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
-   South Park
-   007: The World is Not Enough
-   Charlie Blast's Territory



April 17th



The day started with the acquisition of several loose Sega Genesis carts for $1.99 each:
-   Castlevania: Bloodlines
-   Tinhead
-   Williams Arcade's Greatest Hits
-   Joe & Mac
-   Jurassic Park: Rampage Edition


Then continued with:

-   The Bard's Tale (PS2)
-   Devil May Cry 2 (PS2)
-   Pro Pinball: Big Race USA (PS1)
-   M&Ms Shell Shocked! (PS1)
-   G-Loc: Air Battle (Game Gear)
-   Predator 2 (Game Gear)
-   Dragon Crystal[/i] (Game Gear)
-   Defender/Joust[/i] (GB)
-      Dreamcast with AV cord
-      Street Fighter II: Special Champion Edition (CIB)(SGen)



I also acquired a chunk of new stuff, starting with the arrival of the Kid Icarus: Uprising I ordered from Amazon.

Later in the day, I took advantage of a Best Buy Skylanders promotion, where I received an exclusive Volcanic Vault piece after buying the frustratingly rare Dragon's Peak adventure pack, and a Wrecking Ball figure.
 
I made my final purchase of the day at the Toys R Us across the parking lot from the Best Buy. I didn't intend to buy anything, just browse. But then I saw that the latest ish of Nintendo Power included a set of AR cards for Kid Icarus: Uprising. It became the first non-back-issue Nintendo Power I've  ever bought. Sheesh-- first it's Skylanders with the figurines, and now it's the new Kid Icarus with the freakin' cards. They really know how to reel me in, lemme tell ya.

Eh, just thinking about it is way too depressing. Time to switch gears and move on to...

... The TL;DR Sidebar!
 
-   The biggest missed opportunity of the week-- or three weeks, rather: I was at a brand-new Goodwill when I noticed a customer had a boxed Sonic 2 edition Sega Genesis console in his cart, with the box in excellent condition, priced at $14.99.

-   Then there's the biggest crack-smoker of the week, which goes to the thrift store that prices up its used video games so ridiculously high, the people in charge of pricing have to be smoking crack. This (dis)honor goes to the Mountain View Goodwill, which was asking $20.99 each for its CIB PSP games... most of which no longer sell for that much brand-new! They also had several loose UMDs that they were trying to move out for $6.99 each.

I'll leave you with a few thoughts from a truly visionary fan of interactive entertainment. Sadly, outside of Japan, his vision remains largely unfulfilled to this day.  Please note that, while the crude illustrations that accompany the audio are safe for work, the audio itself is another story. So be sure to have your headphones at the ready for...



Until next time-- whenever that might be...

...'Late


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
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