The 'Norch PorchThe 'Norch Porch

Posted on Nov 9th 2013 at 09:56:23 PM by (Zagnorch)
Posted under Shadow the Hedgehog, Sonic, Sega, Halloween, Drunk, Emo, PS2

DISCLAIMER: The following presentation has content that may be offensive to some... and a turn-on to others.

you have been duly warned.

PREFACE: hey now, fellow RF Gentlemen. The following presentation is the second of what I plan to be an annual Halloween series (view the first one at http://www.rfgeneration.c...Giants-and-Booze-2318.php ). Before you dive in, however, I would like to apologize for posting it so late. Between work, editing my drunken ramblings into something remotely coherent, thrift runs, and-- well, you'll find out in the postscript-- I wasn't able to put this out in as timely a fashion as I'd have liked. I only ask that you forgive my blatant tardiness as

The 'Norch Porch Presents


Hey now...

Well, it's that time of year again. Just me in my humble domicile, all by my lonesome, with a big bag of Skittles and Starburst that'll never see the inside of a trick-or-treater's goody bag, a few choice libations, some Detroit-based snacks, and a certain game to (hopefully) enjoy as my BAC increases throughout the night. This time 'round, I've decided to go with a fellow who'd fit right in with the whole Halloween scene. He's got the whole goth/emo thing down pat, from the black color scheme (with red trim), to his bleak and tragic half-remembered past. The furry fanboys adore him for his stoic, grim-and-gritty demeanor. The fangirls just can't stop writing really creepy ship-fics about him. And, after seeing him in action in this game, the NRA is still trying to get him to be their next chairman.

Of course, I'm referring to...

Oh, for--NOT THAT SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG! Dammit, I thought I burned every last copy of that picture! CURSE YOU, INTERNET!

You're freakin'-a  right I'm mad! And I'm NOT your bro!!!

Nope, I'm talking about THIS Shadow the Hedgehog:

I could go into exhaustive detail about how the opening teaser alone represents all that is wrong and just plain absurd about this game, but that territory has been trod upon so much over the last eight years that it's rather hackish to discuss it any further. Besides, my nerdball musings on the matter will cut into my fitshaced playing time. Which reminds me: for this foray into one amnesiac, emotionally unstable hedgehog's fight for his Second Amendment rights...

HEY! Get your own damn firearms, d!ckweed!

...I've decided to go with absinthe, which is the preferred drink of the goth/emo crowd, according to the internet. And if nothing else, the internet is the ultimate bastion of truth and accuracy.


Ummm... I also grabbed a six-pack of Redd's Apple Ale. Why this particular pick-up, you ask?

Oh... no particular reason at all, nopey nope nope.

Also on hand, courtesy of my main man Razor Knuckles: Reese's Pieces and Better Made BBQ flavor potato chips. Oh, and Faygo cream cola and strawberry soda, which has inspired me to take a listen to my fave ICP album while playing this bad boy.


And, bless his little heart, Raze also provided the game. Which means I have the perfect scapegoat to place the blame on should this not go well. If that isn't the mark of a true friend, then I don't know what is.

If only you knew what you were getting yourself into, my good man.

Oh, and I decided to get in costume for this little electronic excursion:

How's this for edgy?

All right, let's get this show on the road.

STAGE 1: Westopolis

I started by taking out just about anything that shot at me, and then decided to limit my kills to the alien freakos, and the GUN robots. The aliens have the cooler weaponry, anyway, with zap-zap-shooty-lazor-beams. Not as cool as, say, a nice chaos-spear energy blast from my hands, but hey, you gotta make do. And why is Sonic "helping" me out? Who does he think he is, Tails from Sonic 2?

More like Sonic the Glory-hog.

Stage 2: Glyphic Canyon

Oh great, now I got Knuckles helping out now. So much for that rugged loner rep. And he's a bit toofriendly here, too . and even dopier than, I miss the days when he was trolling Sonic and Tails something fierce. Now hes just a comic-relief punching bag in the cutscene backgrounds. Well at least his voice is more pleassnt than that Dr. Claw-sounding dude.

Geezus, the controls are like, Im trying to get Shadow to move and aim at the right taraget, but its like the surface of every level is greased with Crisco... and Shadows coping with a brain injury. Hell, I must be coping with a brain injury to be playing this. Maybe you should dump the jet skate things and just run like that faker. With any luck I'll get hosed to the point of blacking out and not remembering any of this.

Stage 3: Prison Island

Charmy, just goway . Your anything but charming to... well to anyone really. nobody likes you.. Go have a duel to the death with omochao or something. Hopefully youll kill each other and Big the Cat gets offed in the crossfire. I know the Chaotix had to make some budget cuts, but why did Mighty have to be one of them?

Ooh here comes my fave ICP track gotta turn it UP

Hey, hey wait a minute, I made you! Get them not me--WAIT A MINUTE MUTHAF*CKA

Stage 4: Sky Troops

Okay, now I got eggbotnik helping out. Well at least it gives me his robots and ships to shoot at. And I gt to use a canon to shoot at the eggships. Just like skylanders niiiiice. BTW I found a way to make this game a lil more enoyble: imagine the guys im shootin at wrote some really pervy Shadow fanfics, or poretend theyre Rule 34 artists, and Im getting revenge on em by KILLIN THEM DEDD.

Let me show my appreciation for your inflation art

STAGE 5: Don't know dont care

Wow this games growin onme for some reason. Im achuallygettin into it. Hold on, Gonna pause th game for a mome an give our hero a lil talkin to. Um, Hey... hey shadow? I knw youre fictional an stuff, but Im surprised you haven't put th moves on Rouge yet. I mean come on it'sno secret you really dig her.

Or certain parts of her, anyway.

Seriusly ou really goota let maria go man. Your relationship comes off less like a close friendship, and more like some creepy furry-pedo-necrophilia thning.

An ode to Shadow's depraved obsession.

It really gives me the dooch chils. I mean You don't see Sonic-- er I mean that faker caught up in such shenangians--

Oh. Riht never mind.

Look, all Im tryin to say is... HEY F*CK THE STUPID GAME! IM TRYIN TO HELPS OU HERE, @$$HOLE!


Lokk im sorry man, I didn mean to yll atcha. You... you know... you know is till love you right? Right? Yeah yeah, no homo, hee heeee... hey wait a minute

Um, why are you staring... there? An grining?

Holy crap youre not gonna do what I think you're

Tails gives a new meaning to
the term "getting some head."


*GASP* Oh god the taste and smell of half-digested reeses pieces mixed wih absinthe is so disgusting here comes a second wave fjrefroiffoitgbhrog;flhlfofohhf[ioja[sehgde

*GUUUUHH* sweet haysoose h. some of that last heave went out through my nose that's just gross oh no not agai--  fmfrfmlrefmerlfmre-wq329r43jroinefrefmrlfrlf

*UUUURGH*GASP* okay im good now... all emptied out. Gonna need some gatorade though, and

Wait whats this



POSTSCRIPT:  In case you're wondering: no, I did not regain consciousness in a puddle of my own sick the next morning. I took the precaution of keeping a high-capacity wastebasket within reach. It's a lesson I learned the hard way. Speaking of learning the hard way:

Passed out after just one Redd's?! Faker...

ANYway, a few days after playing Shadow the Hedgehog on an Allhallow's Eve bender, I decided to go at it sober. And I don't know what it was, but... I actually kinda liked playing this nonsensical game with the absurd missions, slippery controls, and annoying interchanging "sidekicks." Hell, I'm STILL playing it as of this writing, trying to unlock and complete every mission, beat every boss, and access every single good stage, evil stage, ring, key, damned fourth chaos emerald, computer room, and weapon! I even ordered the Prima strategy guide for goodness sakes! Meanwhile, I've hardly touched my new copy of Sonic Lost World. Good lord, what the hell is wrong with me?!

Oh, where to begin...

All right, time to wind this up. Yes, Shadow the Hedgehog is dumb... but it's dumb in a way I find oddly entertaining and compelling. If I were to give it a cinematic parallel, it would be Dude, Where's My Car? which, despite being downright idiotic, I couldn't stop watching from start to finish. Sure it insulted my intelligence, but, dammit, it was fun to watch.  And when you get down to it, the most important thing about gaming, or watching movies, or any other hobby or pursuit, is to have fun while doing it. Shockingly and improbably, Shadow the Hedgehog delivered for me...

...and it's all Razor Knuckles' fault.

I hope you're proud of yourself, "friend." Angry


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