British Revoke U.S. Independence

[The Metamorphosing Leon]

Got this e-mail today.



A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United
States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections.  Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.  You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary.  Then look up aluminium, and check
the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2.  The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn
to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix
'ise.'

3.  Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

4.  Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.  There is no such thing as US English.  We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'U' and the elimination of 'ize.'

6.  You will relearn your original national anthem,
'God Save the Queen.'  July 4th will no longer be
celebrated as a holiday.

7.  You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent.

8.  Guns should only be handled by adults.  If you're
not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.

9.  Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.

10.  All American cars are hereby banned.  They are
crap and this is for your own good.  When we show you
German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11.  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left with immediate
effect.

12.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.

13.  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling 'gasoline') -- roughly $6/US gallon.
Get used to it.

14.  You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you
call French fries are not real chips, and those things
you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

15.  The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European
brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager.  American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without
risk of further confusion.

16.  Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters.  Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with
a cheese grater.

17.  You will cease playing American football.  There
is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).

18.  Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is
not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series'
for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19.  You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving
us mad.

20.  An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated
to 1776).

[ganonbanned]

im sending this to my dads email >_>

[Speedy_NES]

It's a nice read with all of those things added together

[TraderJake]

That's great, and well worth a read.

I wish we'd adopt near European Prices for Petrol so that we could modernize our infrastructure. This dependence on cars  is going to kill us, and that is coming from a man who will most likely be a traffic engineer.

[SFS]

10.  All American cars are hereby banned.  They are
crap and this is for your own good.  When we show you
German cars, you will understand what we mean.

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[TraderJake]

"11.  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left with immediate
effect."

NO! Modern Roundabouts are evil. Proper Timing of Signals work so much better. High Volume = Bad for Roundabouts. Couple that with the average American's familiarity with signals and roundabouts would just screw with people. It'd be like an American Traffic Engineering firm telling the entire country of Saudi Arabia that they should drive like Americans (yes, my employer actually did that, and Saudis drive terribly, though not as bad as India).

[SFS]

17.  You will cease playing American football.  There
is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).

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[SFS]

15.  The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European
brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager.  American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without
risk of further confusion.

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[SFS]

12.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.

actually, I wish we would go to the metric system.
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But that email is full of fail otherwise.

[The Metamorphosing Leon]

I SEES TEH ACKBAR!

[Tan]

maybe your government can compromise and be like us Canadians. we use the letter "U", have real beer and use the metric system, but we manufacture most of our cars even the foreign branded ones here, drive on the right side, and can own as many guns as we like if we meet certain guidelines. 

[The Metamorphosing Leon]

Umm, nevar?

[SFS]

The best beer comes from the US.  I guess people outside the US only know of Bud and Miller Light.

Toyata makes there cars here.  Infact, more US hours go into making a toyata for US drivers than any other car company.

[AndyC]

The best beer comes from the US.  I guess people outside the US only know of Bud and Miller Light.

I beg to differ there. The best beer is from Burnley in Lancashire England. This is true as they have the accolade of best bitter in the world for Moorhouses brewery, this is for their Pendle Witch Ale. Don't know if it would be possible to get any of this over in the US but it is deffinatley worth a drink.

The best lager isn't from the US in my opinion. Bud and Miller are just a gassy mess. The best lager is from Belgium and Germany. Hoegarden being a personal favourite with Errdinger coming in second.

On another note, what English lagers do you guys get over there in the bars if any, just curious?

[Arrrhalomynn]

John Cleese didn't make that up though.